I made myself sick today. I was feeling lousy so I overate, I had a big bowl of cheesy mash with 4 slices of bread and butter. To be honest it didn’t taste as nice as I thought it was going to when I was making it, and when I was done I felt so awful that I’d overeaten that I just decided to regurgitate it. I think I got about 2 thirds out and the part of me that’s very ill thinks that’s a good start. Most of me is sensible though and now that it’s over I feel very ashamed, very sad and Wishing that I hadn’t done that.
This isn’t the first time I’ve made myself sick, There was a period of 3 months when I was 19 when I was sick after every meal. I knew I’d never be able to hide it from my eagle eyed mother so I made out I had no control over it. I went to the docs, got anti sickness pills and everything, I just disposed of them when no one was looking. So sad, my heart goes out to that lost and confused little girl that was me.
Ever since then I’ve fought with the urge to make myself sick after meals, especially binge meals. One of the problems is that it’s so easy for me. I’ve never needed to stick my fingers down my throat, I just tell my body to throw up and it does.
Just one more battle that I fight daily, That sometimes I lose but usually I win. Along with the urge to shoplift (a whole different post) and the urge to drink myself to oblivion. Not to mention the urge to hurt myself physically.
Sometime’s I wonder how on earth I can do even a half decent job at raising my son. He’s up against so much, 2 parents with different mental health difficulties, one of them absent, one of them struggling every day. I feel so angry at myself I don’t actually have words for it.
In other news, pre purge weigh in pic, I only lost 1lb this week, I’ve not been doing so good. lots of little snacks I shouldn’t be having. Must try harder